Happy New Year

2007. What a ride. Here's hoping 2008 is a year filled with joy, happiness, and lots of BUSINESS LUNCHES!

Happy New Year.

Japan Masturbation Day?

From now on, I'll be sure to check Japundit for important dates. How have I missed this?

Japan Masturbation Day?

I'm thinking we could come out with a whole line of Luncher bowls, plates, and even clothes for this day. While it's true that Lunchers tend to prefer to waste money on food and drink, rather than tangible items, they also like to put forth their best image. For example, back in the Golden Age of Lunching, I never went to a restaurant without a baseball cap and a hooded jacket/shirt combo that helped me look thin.

Wow. I can see a new fashion line coming out of this. Gotta get to work on this. I'll put some of our best child workers on it. Peace out, bastarditios!

(Via Japundit.)

History Lessons from a true "Luncher!"

Ok, I know...all links and no "lessons" makes Jack a dull boy...but you have GOT to see this!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1795084

If you have been following along, and if you are still ready to continue, I think you are just about ready for an explanation of the fundamental teachings of Business Lunching.

So look alive, soldiers! A new order is about to begin. As soon as I get some sleep. Ahh..

I can't leave Japan.

These people NEED me. They really need "Steve," but he is dealing with his own "rodent" problem. I know the U.S. economy also needs a bailout, what with the huge housing flop. But anyplace where a woman would do this...is a place I just need to be.

Recruiters, start your engines. 2008 is going to begin a Golden Age of Lunching in Japan. Mark my words, bastarditos!

Be sure to click on the link below for some hilarious commentary from Christopher Trottier at quixoticals.com

Japanese Woman Lives as a Hamster

(Via quixoticals.)

...Did Somebody Say "Feeding Time?"

I don't know if this is depraved or ingenious. But it sure makes me thirsty. Move over brat. Let me get a swig!

quixoticals: Video of Mom Breastfeeding Her 8-Year-Old Daughter

(Might not be safe for work. Or dinner. Or during sex. I leave that up to you.)

It Ain't Easy Bein' Super...

But it sure is easy to keep it a "secret!"

Superman...honorary Luncher for the rest of the week. You go boy!

Mixed Metaphors

This is just wrong. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

Led Beatles - CollegeHumor video

Does it really say, "Paul choked on his own vomit" if you play it backwards? John Bonham was a true Luncher of the hard rock school. So don't mess with my dreams.

Update: Here's an Encyclopedia Britannica article about Led Zeppelin. Enjoy!

Woman Accidently Inhales Condom

Woman Accidently Inhales Condom

This, ladies, is why I always tell you not to wear a condom when you are giving me head. This poor woman in India really puts her whole heart into what she does! (I wonder if it was curry-flavored.)

As much as I love those Krispy Kreme girls, I might need to make a trip to India...wow! (I definitely want a donut she made!

(Via quixoticals.)

Oops!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

R-N-R

Posts will probably be a bit light for the next few days. I need a bit of time off to enjoy all the great food that I have. But don't stay away too long. I have more depravity planned for you in 2008...

Happy Holidays. Stuff yourself. And don't stop on January 2nd.

Oh My God, I feel Old..

Deeply off topic, but so disturbing it must be seen

I think I am going to go eat some eclairs and crawl up into the fetal position and cry for my lost youth...
(what's next? Metallica on Muzac as I ride up to the 31st floor?)

16 Secrets the Restaurant Industry Doesn’t Want You to Know

16 Secrets the Restaurant Industry Doesn’t Want You to Know

I just wanted to let you Lunchers out there know that this article is not a problem. Basically, if you eat junk food, you are killing your body. Is this news???

Look, if you are worried about your health, you might want to look at yoga. But if you are looking for the fastest path to total awakening, you could do a lot worse than stuffing your face until it hurts. That is the Luncher Way. Om....

Besides, most of these restaurants are not really preferred Business Lunching spots, anyway. Too cheap. Too pedestrian. We are above them (unless we are trying to be "reasonable"). So while you don't have to worry about this article, be sure to bookmark or subscribe to A Gonzo Journal.

I don't know where he finds all the stuff he does, but he really has a feel for the kind of information that Lunchers need to know!

Good stuff.

(Via A Gonzo Journal.)

Music to Lunch to

One thing all Lunchers agree on: Depeche Mode will always rule.

It's like in the bylaws or something. I don't know. I'm royalty. I don't have to read. That is what I hire international students for.

Anyway...You might think this guy is just a crazy fan.

But this is actually a secret code. It's like the Matrix. I don't even hear the notes. I just hear the secret meeting that he is announcing at the local sushi dive.

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

Need a bit of of religion? Put this in your pipe and smoke it.

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

My favorite? Probably Smokey the Bear saying, "Hey kids, don't fuck with God, or..." If I ever have kids, I plan to keep them in line with scary shit like that.

(Via Cracked.com.)

Caught on Video: "Steve????"

I've had some people ask me if this is Steve. To be honest, I don't know. I haven't heard from him for a few days. But this guy looks a little too tall. Still, his choice of gifts is uncannily similar. Even down the to kind of paper he used.

Hmm...

See for yourself.

The "Unappreciated" Gift

One Man Asks, "Why is Lobster Cheaper in Sushi Restaurants?"

My theory: to get you in the door. Perhaps they think you will come for the cheap lobster, but pay more.....

Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I know the real reason...

Actually, let me just level with you. You are on "the list."

Let me explain.

See, to fuck with people, I randomly put their names on the list of Approved Lunchers. Every sushi restaurant, from the owner to the girl who wipes the wasabi of the chairs, knows that an Approved Luncher is an elite; someone who will pay more money in tips than most people spend on groceries for a week.

There is an international database of Lunchers, with pictures, assumed names, and other relevant information, which I regularly update and submit to prominent establishments. So if you walk into a sushi restaurant and they drop everything to serve you first, and give you free samples, you know...you are ROYALTY.

You are a Luncher.

Of course, they will never admit this.

"Lunchah...? Whatto izu datto?" They will say in a charming accent. But look past that disarmingly innocent smile. You can see it in their eyes. You just bought her a new Luis Vuitton bag this month. So do us all a favor. Buck up and leave a tip. 20%? No way. Don't you dare leave with less than less than a $50 tip EACH.

P.S.: You're welcome, dude. You probably forgot me, but I remember you. When I was living in Seattle, you helped me out once. I asked you your name and you gave me your business card. i just thought cheap lobster was the least I could do...

Mike Davidson - Why is Lobster Cheaper in Sushi Restaurants?

"Steve" Didn't Make this Video...

But it sure has all the markings of his "logic." Looks like he has another group of disciples that I wasn't aware of...

Anti-Kant Campaign - CollegeHumor video

Our Chinese Evanglism has Worked a Little Too Well

This just in:

Some Nouveau Riche Lunchers in China have been following the "Program" a little too closely.

See the video here.

Guys, I know I said Lunching was the way to wisdom, but pace yourselves. The secret is to eat a lot without killing yourself.

A little secret: It isn't really eating a lot of food that makes you a luncher. It is paying a ridiculously high amount of money for the food that makes you a luncher! (Especially tips, but they don't do that in China or Japan.)

Seriously. The best way to approach Lunching is not like it is a buffet, where you have to eat as much as possible. Instead, you should think of it as a way to explore the depths of your soul, and find the strength to be the person you have always wanted to be.

Oh, fuck it. Who am I kidding? It is about eating until you burst. I just hate to think of 1.2 billion people eating up all the food that belongs to me!!!!

While They Were "Studying," I was "Eating..."

But it looks like I am still smarter than some college students...for shame.

Apparently, some university "students" (and I use that term lightly), actually believe that Iraq attacked the World Trade Center. No doubt they will someday become "efficiency experts," in charge of deciding whether people who actually have a brain will deserve to have a job or not.

Sad.

Ok, back to Lunching! I've got three pizzas on the way. Hope that's enough! I'm not too hungry, so it should be fine...

A Prophesy (meow.)

Look at it this way. The world could end at any moment. If this Bible Beater is right, the world is set to be demolished in 2012. (Brought to you by the people who said, "The World is going to end in 1999...er, 2000...er, 2004...er....u3y4-58uyt@ rghr98qrto:jdsfh")

When the world ends, and it all goes up in shit, where do you want to be? At work, moving the margins around on yet another Excel spreadsheet? Wouldn't you rather be LUNCHING???

And if the prophesies are wrong...we've got a lot of sushi to devour!

Let your soul die. NOW.

A Gift Idea for Me

If you are having trouble thinking of a gift for me, or any other loved ones, might I suggest this site?

They aren't edible, but man...you sure can cause a lot of racket with them!

Bush's True Religious Leanings? A "Code"?

wow..haha..gotta love that YouTube. After a hard day of hitting the "restaurant" circuit, i love to learn more about my world with YouTube. Today's lesson can be found here.

haha...A Message of Love for GW

You know, I talk about "depravity," but...Nobody does it better than the Right Wing Fascists in the US Gov't.

A Great Movie!

Holy Shit...

Ninjas.

Tempura.

Sushi.

For a minute there, I thought I was watching a movie about my life!

Anyway, I think it was based on a true story, but not mine. Check it out...

Chinese Wisdom at its Best

Chinese wisdom like this is almost as good as Luncher Wisdom.

"Do you ever see a snake with feet?" haha...that crazy Chinese wisdom, distilled down through the ages in quasi-English. Ahh....

(My answer: "No, but I do let all the ladies touch my snake with their feet, is that close enough??? Now bring me some more Kung Pao Chicken, boy!")

You see, cultural sensitivity is a must, if you want to ride with the Lunchers. Notice I didn't ask for sushi or kimchee. I asked for Kung Pao Chicken. Because that is what all true Chinese restaurants in the midwest serve.

Ok, that made me hungry. time for a snack.

The Luncher Way to Get Free Ice Cream

Haha...This guy has what it takes to be a Luncher!

Give me a call, dude. I could sure put that helicopter to good use.

Porno for Lunchers

Check out this video of a tiny Japanese girl putting away enough curry rice to feed a family. If you can't understand Japanese, you aren't missing much. The announcers just keep going on and on about how much she is eating and how many calories it is. One of the other customers they interviewed says she can't understand how she can stay so thin.

My response: she is a candidate for Luncher of the year! Get over it people...you, with your "arbitrary limits" and puny minds, will never understand what this girl is accomplishing. I love how she finishes over 3.1kg of food and asks for MORE! Sweet Jesus...

Here she is. My dreamwoman.

Wow..I think I am in love! See, I told you...the next great wave of Business Lunching is going to be right here in Tokyo.

They have the food. They have the money. They have the despair. They have the right level of repression. It makes me feel like dancing. And that is a sign for all of you babies to run for cover.

I think the only thing that scared Steve was when I starting do my Stewy Dance...

Japanese Buffet

Ahh, heaven...I just got home from a Japanese buffet. All the food and drink you can consume (um, i dont think they will let me back again..haha)

What's the big deal you ask? Well, in Japan, buffets are not common at all. They are usually only found at hotels, and they are very fancy, with really nice food and everyone is dressed up. I felt underdressed because I wasn't wearing a tie!

Anyway, my "students" took me out, so I didn't have to pay. But no Luncher would dare not pay something outrageous at a buffet. So I left ¥20,000 (about $180-190...?) on the table. No doubt that covered the damage.

Especially since tipping is unheard of Japan (or was until I moved here).

I heard some dishes crashing as we walked out. I'd like to think I had something to do with that....

Let Your Soul Die.

Ok, Look. I am not going to explain this just yet. Just think about those four words, and what they could mean in your life.

They are the foundation of lunching.

They are flawless and complete.

They might seem negative and hateful, but they are taught out of love.

Let. Your. Soul. Die.

When you understand these words, I will have nothing more to teach you. But believe me, it will take you the rest of your life. I am only now beginning to see the Promised Land that "Steve" was guiding me to...

Forget the Olympics. Business Lunching is the Main Event in China.

Why settle for five rings, when you can have five courses? (Yes, I know...five courses really only constitutes an appetizer, or a "reasonable lunch," but for the sake of simplicity, go with me on this one...)

Long after the torch has gone, real social changes will continue to take place in The Middle Kingdom. All thanks to Business Lunching.

I got a message from Wang Yisheng, our Director of Operations in Beijing. He wrote me to tell me how excited he is with the number of Business Luncher inquiries he is getting in China. You might be surprised to know that the #1 publication in China is NOT Chairman Mao's Red Book--it's Chairman "Steve's" classic essay, "Who Needs Control as You Humans call it?" He said that bootleg copies have even been spotted at the highest levels of government.

Most of his transmissions is confidential, but I can share this quote with you:

在中国，要吃很多东西的人很多，可是他们没有钱。 请送给我钱。 我门很饿了。真讨厌！

which basically means that many people in China want to pursue this beautiful way of life, but they need our financial help. Please send your tax-deductible donations and I will make sure "they" get it. Honest. Oh, and don't send any checks. I know that routine better than anyone. *cough*

Here is a picture of Mr. Wang with some of his recent "converts." Lucky Dog.
Warning: NOT safe for work (NSFW)

Notice how, in the midst of all that, er, meat, he is unfazed. A normal man would not be able to control himself, but he is only focused on the menu: He's thinking, "Hmm.. spring rolls or Chickedee China, the Chinese Chicken? Hell, Bring 'em both! And make it snappy, Server-Woman!"

This is why he is a master, and you are a student. But don't worry. you can reach that level. You can even surpass him. Just clear your mind.

And prepare yourself for the toxins.

Quick Update from "Seattle"

Bad news from Seattle I'm afraid.

Steve said the food in Seattle is fantastic (I know), and the city is wonderful (no news "there"). But it looks like it will be hard to establish a group of eager followers.

Well, as I already mentioned, I understand the situation well. The problem with Seattle is that the people there are not followers. They are leaders. That is why most of the rest of the world is not welcome there.

I love Seattle, but they don't have much room for Lunching. Right now, I am in "preaching" mode. I have to bring light and gravy to the unwashed masses. I am on a mission. But after I have established this new school of wisdom, and saved enough souls, I am sure I will retire to Seattle.

And all of you BBQ-eatin', reality TV watchin', gun-totin', ignorant HICKS will still not be welcome.

But confirmed Lunchers will be given 30-day visas.

That might not sound like much, but believe me, 30 days of Taco Del Mar Super Fish Burritos would give even a seasoned PRO bloody shorts...

Sorry, Mr. Jobs. Sushi > Mac

Now I must say. I love Macs. Always have. I cringe everytime I use a Windows PC.

I don't say that to piss off any fans of Microsoft. But that is my personal stance.



But you know, watching this girl's unholy devotion to the cult of Apple, I can't help but think what she and I could do, if she could just benefit from my guidance.

I mean that in a strictly platonic way, sweetheart, so don't worry. I understand where you're coming from. I really have sung a love song to my menu in a restaurant. There is no shame in blind devotion to something you believe in. It isn't "dorky." It's sweet.

Hey, quit puckering up to that Apple Cinema Display. If you replaced those Apples with a sushi menu, or a heaping plate of Indian food, you would be a wonderful spokesmodel for Lunching. Call me, babe. Make it happen.

Has the Space Needle Collapsed Yet?

My Associate is in Seattle, doing research on the feasibility of establishing a new branch of Business Lunching. I'm anxiously awaiting his report.

But I have to say, I am a bit disappointed in my friend. There was a time when he was a leader of the movement. Now he is just a follower. Before I moved on to the Land of the rising weight problem, I spent many years in Seattle. I love the place. But it is not the most hospitable to our cause. Most people are not looking for liberation there. They are already free.

Tokyo, on the other hand, is ripe for change. I mean, come on. This is a place where people are so miserable that they are actually throwing themselves in front of trains to escape their bleak existences. Wow. Sad.

What they need is a kind word, and a gentle hand to guide them out of the darkness. They need someone to show them a better way to thrive in the 21st Century. That is where I come in. It's all about the menu. And demanding the best service that you can't possibly afford. Without some "creative financing," that is.

You must "Think" "Elite"

These guys are not yet true Lunchers, but they are on their way. Give me a week, and I can have them eating sushi out of my hand...

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/graphics/2007/11/23/calex23.gif

Before we had the iPhone to make us superior, we had the price of the check. The higher the cost, the better. Keep that Extra Value Menu, man. We've got bigger fish to fry. The world needs us. The ECONOMY needs us.

No, Chuck, Run!

What a shame...this boy, Chuck, started off with the right idea...but once again, tired social conventions, prissy manners, and a dweeb from the future conspired to ruin everything. (I hate when that happens!)




The level of repression runs so palpably thick in this video. I almost imagine poor little Chuck snapped a few years later, and ended up somewhere in the jungles of Southeast Asia, wearing his own handmade ear necklace...

Too bad. He could have grown up to be something great.

He could have grown up to be a Luncher.

New Recruits in Japan?

Looks like I had better get my butt in gear and get involved in this...could net me some good recruits.

Did I mention that I am doing "research" in Tokyo, Japan? *grin*

Expert? Huh?

This is definitely NOT Business Lunching!



I don't know much about Expert Exchange, but it looks like they could use a real expert on table manners. Um, no, Ma'am. you don't ask, "May I Please." You say, "Hurry up before I start clutching my menu and dancing like Julie Andrews on that mountaintop in "The Sound of Music," singing 'Never gonna let you go..' at the top of your lungs," while your lunch partner is staggering to the door, howling with laughter, as you both try desperately--most likely in vain--to keep from spewing diarrhea from yesterday's "fEAsT."

And if that don't work, just tell him/her that I sent ya. Have you ever tipped $20 on a $7 meal? I have. And believe me, a $20 tip is far more welcome than some prissy-ass, old world table manners. I am known and loved by restaurants in a dozen countries. If you want to ask an expert, ask the best. Ask a Luncher.

Blinded By The Light

Yeah, I've really been thinking about this a lot. My teacher, "Steve," never let on how difficult it is to bring new Lunchers into the fold. If he struggled with how to convey the bright light of Wisdom and Depravity, he never let on to me. For him, it was always onward and upward...

i want so much to lay out the whole truth of Lunching. But the truth is, it is so simple, and yet so profound, that you would blinded by the light. So I must proceed with caution. But, my dear reader, by walking with me down the dark chasms of your mind and spirt, you will, as I once did, find the Truth of Business Lunching. It is a path that never ends, even after the colostomy.

I will, therefore, show you what Lunching "is" and what it isn't. And together, we will bring Light to the masses, and fire to the cretins.

The Way of No Way

Ok, it breaks down like this.

Business Lunching is not something that can be packaged or readily defined. It is more of a way of paring down that which is unessential and replacing it with that which is just this side of depraved. I can say that it is based on a deep understanding of eastern philosophy, coupled with a cyncial dose of Sartre, and a dash of Steve Rubell (for marking purposes). Although "Steve" introduced it to me, he didn't really invent it. It has been called many names, and it is not limited to any form or system. Perhaps Lao-Tzu was a luncher in his younger days...?

Oh man. This is my Morpheus Moment.:

"No one can be told what Business Lunching is. You have to experience it for yourself."

First one's on me. Let's do sushi, bitch. My treat. Let me grab my checkbook.

Hey Bastarditos!

Welcome to the wonderful world of Business Lunching!!!

What is Business Lunching, you ask? And who is "Steve?"

The answers will come, my friend. All in good time...All in good time...